Not Enough.

Hesitancy

I went back and forth on myself, hesitant to write about this, mostly because just yesterday I re-posted a similar topic Matter of fact, I actually had closed out my browser and went back to dilly-dally on facebook when the status popped up in that side-bar again. When I saw it, I felt that twinge in the spirit. The voice that says: “turn around”; “stay”; or “leave”. Depending on your relationship with the Lord and the season of your life it can be a “still small” voice, a resounding urge in your stomach, or a physical force that prevents you from doing something (in my experience, that is.) Praise the Lord! I know the sound of my Shepherd’s voice.

Do I always listen?

No.

But today as I was about to turn away from writing, I know that I know I am supposed to blog on this subject. Thus, I hope it blesses or provokes one of my readers.

Let me share a bit about who I am. I have a gift of good memory. I’ve never used it for studying, mostly because I don’t enjoy studying. The way this gift most manifests itself is through my life and my own history.

A smell, a place, or a specific time/date can trigger a vivid memory that can date back as far as a few years. Even if I don’t remember what I ate three days ago, if I talk about who I sat with and perhaps what I was wearing – I could soon give you what everyone at that table was eating and what it all smelled like. I call it environmental memory.

This memory sometimes plagues me. (but for advice on plaguing pasts see "pain or perspective")

Recently facebook has teamed up with my natural tendencies and has started posting conveniently on the side-bar past status updates.

Courteously titled, “A year ago today:” 

I don't deserve these good things...and I fear I'll ruin it all. Father, help me be faithful with what you've given me...August 30, 2010 at 10:54pm

I know exactly what I was referring to. I can remember the circumstance surrounding this update. I spare you the details, because what I’m going to write about is how I wasn’t faithful.

Alright, we could say I was faithful, I attempted and I didn’t quit. That facebook status was a sincere cry of my heart. I tried my hardest, yet it wasn’t enough.

I won’t ever be enough.

I’m not being a pessimist. I’m not depressed. In fact, I’m smiling as I write this. :)

Looking back a year, I see that I did indeed “ruin it all”. However I also see how the Lord was faithful with me, with my heart, despite the fact I took His dreams for me and dropped them.
I wouldn't trade it for anything, because now, now this story proclaims the glory of a loving, all-powerful, honorable God. He's a much better writer than I, and I don't want the pen.
There is no doubt whether I did anything, or it was because I said this, or went here, or did that. It's not about me, and I will always not be enough. My God lives in me, and He is more than enough. 


love.

Flashback - xanga

For my first post, I decided to re-post something I wrote on my xanga earlier this year.
I hope you enjoy :)

Saturday, February 05, 2011

God, help my disbelief Disbelief. I think it characterizes my life. Every time in the Bible where there was an issue, the Lord said "trust", "if you had the faith", etc etc. Luke 17:5-6  5 The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” 6 He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. I haven't even a MUSTARD SEED!! That's about the size of the tip of a pencil. (sharp tip)  I can't even count the number of great things that has either been prophecied over me, or the Lord has told me personally...and confirmed multiple times...yet, I don't believe. I know that the Lord doesn't call one out unless He believes "you can be like me, follow me." yet it hasn't taken root in my heart... In another gospel (Mark 11:22-25) 22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23 “Truly[f] I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”  I doubt, I am full of doubt. I have asked for things in prayer, and I doubt. I doubt in my heart, I doubt in my actions...and I am so scared. Yet, beyond this...my God is faithful. Despite my disbelief, despite my discouragement, despite my downcast soul, despite my disturbed spirit, despite my humanity...my God is faithful, and much bigger than any of this world. I praise Him...I praise Him in my storm, and in my sunny breeze. I praise Him in dark pit, and in my fields of flowers. May His praise be forever on my lips, may I lift my hands to Him even when I can't see through the tears in my eyes. When I am blessed, may I hold the gifts you give me with most open hands.... Psalm 43:5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?    Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God,    for I will yet praise him,    my Savior and my God.