Heartache - my secret

I'm currently seated in a familiar coffee shop. I'm sipping on my favorite drink (German Chocolate with extra espresso) and eating a meaty sandwich.

I have so many memories here. I've laughed with many dear friends. I've had encouraging conversations with mentors here. This is the only place I knew to come to the last time I was experiencing excruciating heartache.

This small seating room has been rearranged plenty with the two chairs, two love seats and a league of  trusty chairs and round tables in the past 3 years I've visited. The chair I'm currently sitting in was once placed with it's partner about 10 feet south of where it is now. I used to turn it to face my friend in the other chair as we read, tucking my feet under their [bodily] seat to keep my toes warm. 

How I yearn for that memory now...my toes are icy! Even more deeply than that, I can feel the chilly absence of that friendship on my heart. Now for the subject of this post, for I promised someone I'd write about this. 

My secret of dealing with the heartache

that comes with missed memories of the friends that were once bound to your heart.

Every time people are about to leave, I begin to feel myself "guarding my heart."

Sounds great right? What a simple Biblical answer to heartache.

False. 

Philippians 2 says it's not my job to guard my heart. I'm told to give it up to God, and He'll guard it. Trust me beloved readers, He does a much better job. I can go into detail, but we'll save that for another post.

So, my secret is this: I let God guard my heart and I celebrate His sovereignty!

Do you believe that He's sovereign? No....really? 

Then present your requests, present your heartache to Him...and let His peace guard your heart and your mind. His peace that transcends all understanding.

What if everyone you had invested in left and the people that won't leave are the ones you don't want near you? What if the one thing you've dreamt about became your haunting nightmare? What if your circle of friends split, leaving you to choose between two or none? What if someone dies near to you? What if you lose your baby? What if you saved yourself for marriage and you find out you and your spouse is infertile? What if you lose your job?

It doesn't make sense, but you can still have peace.

I'm not perfect, but I rest in One who is :)

Daddy! (to my ladies)

There is something within a daughter that cries out to her daddy.
From the moment she takes her first breath, she is seeking for approval, attention, and affection.

The book, Captivating by the Eldredges, speaks on one of the primal questions in a woman's soul.

She looks to her daddy, spinning in her dress "Am I beautiful? Do I captivate you?"

Every time you get new (or new to you) clothes, you ran to show Daddy. Men have tremendous power in a woman's life.Women are made to be spurred on by men, so we turn to the first man in our life.
A specific memory, I was older than 10. I had just got done showering, using a different hair routine and blow drying my hair - it was so soft! I hurried upstairs, woke up my daddy, and had him feel my hair. My soul wondering, "Daddy, am I beautiful?"

For those who haven't experienced this purely as I have, I apologize. I'll try to explain it well, and keep reading...this applies to you as well.

Not only will she put on a dress and twirl, she'll do anything she thinks dad wants her to do.
She'll learn to do something masculine so she can spend more time with him. She'll go to the his college. She'll wear his favorite color. She'll take his side in an argument. The list is endless.

This is a picture of my daddy and me.
One of the few things I am scared of is dark holes.
This is right before we went spelunking - cave diving.
This is something he's talked about for as long as I can remember.
 I gladly went with him, and it was fun! I hope to go another time.

Beloved women reading this, the desire to be loved, beautiful, captivating...is not something to be ashamed of. You were created to love, to be soft, to cry, to be soothing. To have a gentle spirit, accept your role as a mother.

Will men disappoint our deep hopes?

yes.

Is there any perfect daddies?

no.

Is daddy's love and approval enough?

no.

That's why there is someone who is a Father to the fatherless. I firmly believe that if you simply ask the Lord to reveal to you the depth of His father's heart, He will.

The best thing is, you don't need to do anything to earn His love. He'd do anything for you. He yearns for you to feel His love, to spend time with Him, to be blessed. He wants you to choose Him.

I believe that if you are reading this, you should take the next few moments to lift your arms (metaphorically or physically as well) and say "Papa, pick me up! Am I lovely? Do I captivate You?"

I'm willing to bet He'll answer you with an astounding yes.

My pearls of experience...of my experience of the PEARL

I full-heartily knew that the Lord had called me to do the PEARL Tuesday night. 24 hours later I stood in the ATF Ops Conference room studying the last verse and cramming the 30 country grid we needed to know.

Apprehensive I begged for 618, our fearless Captain, Nic Sylvain (my dear friend) to quiz me on the grid, "Ask me a country!"
"Hmm, Argentina."
"That's not on there silly."

Thus the joyous vacation began. We headed down to the opening service of worship in the Auditorium. The next 3 hours were spent in "Pre-PEARL", a learning time for marching as a team, standing at attention, and basic preparation. We then took a 4 hour nap on the anvil, most of which for me was spent giggling with the girls I choose to lay next to.

PEARL started after that, probably around 3 or 4 Thursday morning.

I'll tell you the punch line now, and you can choose to keep reading if you'd like.
I rang the bell to stop on request around 5PM Thursday.


My mind was still sharp. I could type out everything we did until that moment I rang. I'll save your time and instead highlight learning experiences.

Once I was low-crawling some of the football field with a teammate. He was instructed to find out how to encourage me. He asked, and I replied in the norm, "I don't know."
"What if I promise I won't ring until you do?"
I smiled and said that would do. In essence, this told me that somebody was there for me. I didn't "need" him in the next few hours, but I knew that someone was choosing to be there for me. I was not alone.

We were at the Old Obstacle Course, having just ran it twice. Before our coach split the team into two and had us run it. We now stood at attention (well, I swayed in my line) listening to Coach Neal. He spoke to us about what success means to us, asking when we finished as a team. It dawned on me, he didn't expect us to beat out the other group...he wanted us to finish the best time as a team.
Each person is valuable. I loved each of those people on my team. I didn't know each of their numbers, or even their name. But, I would have low crawled with one, gotten wet and sandy for one, or gladly rolled the hill if one answered a memorization question wrong.

I learned more on that journey to the bell than I did in my 12 hours marching around with the team.

Thursday morning around 9 AM the entire team went through the clinic to do a medical check. I stopped in and told the Medic that I have had a irritation in my neck/back muscles for a few weeks since I got rear-ended. Usually by the end of the day it's bothering me but I get a get 8 or so hours to rest my neck each night. Having not had that time, I had a headache this morning. They asked me if I'd like some ibuprofen and after administrating and telling me to come back if it didn't help, I was sent on my way.

After the entire conference had breakfast, and my team did multiple exercises throughout campus. I started feeling dizzy around 11 or 12 and began drinking plenty of water to ensure it wasn't dehydration. A teammate in the squad beside me noticed that I was holding my head and asked if I was alright. I informed her about my neck hurting and now the dizziness I was experiencing. I asked her to pray for me.

Texas Team then marched to the cattle dip, which was very refreshing and honestly, a God-send due to the increasing heat. I ate a Clif bar at this time to see if I was dizzy due to low blood sugar. We continued up to the Old OC. After running it twice as a whole team, the "Bring-its" went to run the course again. We were allotted this time to rest and drink water, which I took full advantage of. After a bit we were called to stand at attention as Coach Neal spoke to us about the exercise we had just completed. I had my feet planted where they needed to be, but the rest of my body wouldn't quite stay. Swaying back and forth, I knew I would need to visit the Clinic again.

We headed back to the "Outdoor Cafe". The squad leader for the second squad was having back muscle pain, so she and I both headed to the Clinic with two other teammates to escort us around 3PM. I ensured my squad I'd be back and went on my way. Once there the Medic who talked to me that morning came to attend to me. I told her what was happening with dizziness. She made a note on her paper and asked me, "So, you're stopping?"
I didn't miss a beat, "No."
"Do you think that's wise?"
"Of course it is! I just need to rest my neck for a bit."
"What can I do for you?"
"Ice, some different pain reliever to help the swelling. It's fine."

I iced my neck for more than the next 70 minutes. I mulled over what I had learned, what it would mean to ring, if it was a wise decision. My neck no longer hurt, I took of the bag of ice and stretched my neck.

Standing, I tested my balance. I closed my eyes against a wave a blackness. Defeated by such a small member of my own body, I sat down discouraged. After having a level conversation with the Medic, I told her I'd make the decision to stop. 702 (Who I knew was going to participate even though he had said no.) walked me back to our team. I had a conversation with the Coach and an Instructor walked me to the bell, "How are you feeling?"
"I don't want to stop. I don't want to ring." My eyes had started tearing up by now.
"Why?"
"I don't want to disappoint people. I don't want to let them down."
"Who are you going to disappoint?"
"My house."
"Why would this disappoint them?"
"Because, I'm their leader. They were so proud of me to begin, and I can't even stick it out?"
"Would you be upset at me if I didn't do something I couldn't do?"
"No."
"This doesn't make you a bad leader."

Though what she said was true, I walked to the bell and waited for Director Hasz. I told myself I was a failure. I told myself I was ill-equipped. I told myself I was quitting.
These lies have absolutely nothing to do with the event or the Honor Academy. These are lies perfectionists everywhere face daily. Praise God for the loving leadership within this event.
An assistant coach took me to the Director. A talk with Dave Hasz left me encouraged and empowered to go on into my real life with the lessons I learned in my time participating in the PEARL. He assured me that he was proud I was making a wise, though difficult decision.

After I rang, the assistant coach that walked me up hurried to me, held me and made me look into her eyes. "Weakness is not what you think it is."

The previous things in bold are the main things that stuck out to me in the short time I had in the PEARL. This paired with what my pastor has been teaching about, community, has magnified this lesson to me.
We need each other. It's not good for man to be alone, it's the first thing God declared not good.
Had I been alone, I would have penalized myself for my imperfection. Had I been alone, I wouldn't have started the PEARL. Had I been alone, I wouldn't even be blogging right now.

Now, in response to my previous post and someone asking me, "Was it the vacation you hoped for?".
Yes, but much too short in my opinion. However, the Lord is sovereign. The very things I was hoping for a vacation from, I had the opportunity to face right away after the PEARL. My Papa, my ultimate Coach brought me into the PEARL to remind me a few things. How important each person is. Not to give up. You're not alone, and you don't need to be perfect. Then He promptly placed me back into the circumstances He has hand-crafted for me.


Update: September 27, 2011
I had an accident at the beginning on the month. I have been going to the chiropractor for the past week getting the whiplash I didn't notice from the accident. 

A gift wrapped in mud...

I'm going to start the PEARL this evening.

Physical Emotional And Relational Learning 

I know why I'm doing it. The Lord told me to. Yesterday, as I sat in chapel I listened to testimonies about what people learned in their experiences. What I heard were the lessons the Lord has been teaching me recently.

I thought I knew them, maybe I do, but it's harder to act out in those lessons. I realized that I want to quit. I want to quit often, not do what the Lord is telling me to do.

I don't want to act on that emotion of "sick and tired". I know that when you do something that's physically hard, when you go through a "game" where you need to be hard decisions or do something you don't want to do....it's easier in real life to recognize those scenarios.

But I said something sarcastically today about why I'm doing it...but i think it's true. Revealing the blessing that God's given me in this:

"People think I'm doing this again to be stretched...that's not true, I'm doing it for the vacation."

First part...not true.

The second...very.

I've been "quitting" on my life recently. Internally at least. We all know that when you quit internally your outward behavior lacks.

But I've been begging for an escape, and it presents itself, God-wrapped...on the football field. Oh, it might appear as though I'm suffering in the mud. But....I'll be having my spa-time.

A time to step away from my myopic life. To focus (because I'm choosing to) on other's needs -those on my team within the PEARL, also my house, my co-workers and the great things the Lord is going to do through the Ministry Team.
A time not to have to take care of the daily things but go back to reality....what truly matters, reliance on the Lord.

I am thoroughly looking forward to the next few days...

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. <James 1:2-4>

Pray that the Lord uses me,
02-01-720
 

Those who have ears, let them understand.

I routinely hear the quote, "Why should anyone hear the gospel twice before everyone hears it once?"*
Recently a speaker I had the privilege of spending time with said this. I've heard it a handful of times, but this time it stirred my spirit. I immediately tweeted:

"Why should anyone hear the gospel twice before everyone hears it once?" B/c i myself took several times before I listened. #don'tgiveup

I heard the gospel as a child.
When did I start actually following the Lord? When did I fall in love with Him?
I think I was probably about 19 years old.

I accepted Jesus and the Holy Spirit into my life before I reached puberty. I sang on the worship team. I participated in holiday programs at the church that brought tears to my sister Lisa's eyes. I have no doubt the Lord used me for His glory even as a child. 
I also was a part of the world. I lived for myself. I sought out approval. I had no purpose (in my mind) other than to have fun. I dealt with depression, sometimes very poorly.

This isn't my complete testimony though.
I can think of two passages that says "he that hath ears to hear, let him hear". Which really means: let him understand. 

Matthew 11:15
He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.
Mark 4:9
And he said unto them, He that hath ears to hear, let him hear

The passage in Matthew is talking about John the Baptist and the Gospel. Further it describes how people didn't listen to him, how they called him demon-possessed.
The second passage is in the context of the parable of the sower.

I'm not against world evangelism. I'm not against missions, or the Great Commission. But I believe with my whole heart that my position in fulfilling this Great Commission is to ensure there are people to go.
My heart is to save the Westerners.

So, let me stay here. Let me water the seed you planted. Let me weed the garden. Let me love in His power. Perhaps the Lord will bless my labor and the seed will be rooted in God's love, so that those who hear can understand how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, so that they can be filled to the measure of the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3)

You, you are welcome in my home (when I actually have a physical home, you can come over). For I will pray for you in my heart, open my arms to you, and labor to help you with your task.

Beloved, be mindful of the different parts of the body, and let's lift one another up.

*quote from Oswald J. Smith, in my support of global evangelism please read the quotes on this page, "to challenge the heart" http://www.brianweller.com/missionquotes1.pdf