Adalynn's Birth Story

-edit- No offense to those Mommas that choose and plan a c-section, this is just my journey through the unplanned

I gave birth to my baby girl 7 weeks ago today, and she is a little angel (except for about 2-4 hours every evening lately). After reading this blog post by Cord Mama, I was inspired to write out our story. Even if no one reads it, I think it will be healing for me.

You see, I planned on doing a natural birth at the local birth center even before we knew we were pregnant. We went to every appointment with the midwives there, getting to know them and feeling at home in their rooms. I couldn't wait to share my birth experience with the wonderful staff! I trusted them with my unborn baby.

February 19th, five days before her due date, I started having contractions driving home from a Costco trip at about 6 pm. I could still go about with my business, ate dinner with the hubs and started timing my light contractions. They were regular, so I texted my friend who recently gave birth at the birthing center. She suggested I call. After talking to the midwife on call I took a bath and texted my doula that THIS MIGHT BE IT! :) :)

While I took a relaxing bath my contractions got a little stronger and my husband, David brought in his guitar and sang some songs to me. We were too excited to think. I looked up at him from the tub and my heart surged thinking about how wonderfully peaceful and loving our birth experience will be. I'm so lucky to have David to walk beside with for support.

After the bath, still regular but still being able to talk through the contractions my midwife suggested I try to get some sleep because labor can last a long time for first time mommas. It was about 9 o'clock at night. David went to bed because he had worked that day and been up since 4:30AM. But there was no way I could sleep!!! My doula came over to spend time with me.

After going to the bathroom, I was washing my hands and my water broke! I wasn't expecting it to, especially so early on in labor. I was super excited and told David (who wasn't ecstatic about losing sleep). I called my midwife who told me what to watch for...and then I had to call her right back, because it wasn't clear. I found some thick (very little) meconium. Because of this, we went into the  birth center and I was examined. I was dilated to 3 centimeters. After consulting with the head midwife we had to transfer to the hospital because of the meconium. 

We checked into the hospital at about 4AM Friday morning. I tried to get comfortable in the scratchy hospital gown and my doula and I went for a walk. I could no longer talk through contractions but I could still walk...okay, waddle.

The doctor on call caught up with us at 9AM while David and I were walking laps. By this time I couldn't walk through my contractions. He introduced himself in the middle of a contraction and then he walked a couple laps with us (a lot faster than I was walking before.) It was interesting that I contractions were very regular before he came up but when he was with us I didn't have one contraction....until he left. He curtly told me that women don't do well the longer they're in labor and said we should start pitocin so I have a full 12 hours to labor with that until 24 hrs after the water broke (because complications are more likely for a baby that's in with broken water for that long).
I was confused because I felt like I was progressing and I didn't want to get pitocin. He said I wasn't progressed and I asked how he knew because I hadn't been checked at all since being admitted to the hospital. He told me he wouldn't check me because my contractions weren't strong enough. He then just walked away, because he was off shift.

I was really uncomfortable with the situation and confused because this wasn't a conversation that was ever had and I didn't know of pros and cons or procedures. We headed back to my labor room. I asked if they'd let me eat and they said no, in case I threw up...I wouldn't want to throw up any food.

1PM Friday 20th

The nurse told me I could wear my own shirt if I wanted to...So I rocked out in mesh underoos and my flannel. :)

I had been awake for 24hrs (thankfully I slept in on Thursday). By this time I needed to sway, rock, crouch, bounce on a ball in contractions. I found the best way to get through it was vocalizing. David was a huge help. He felt a little awkward at first but my favorite position for labor was having him hold my hips from behind. I told him if anyone felt awkward they could get over it 'cause I was in stinking labor!

They allowed me to eat a late lunch on Friday.

I can't remember when they started checking me, but I know I was at 6 or 7 centimeters by that evening. The doctor came in around 8pm, about 24 hours after my water broke and told me we needed to start pitocin to get labor going stronger. I asked if I could walk first and he gave me a look that said "that's not going to do anything" and he said "sure but be back in fifteen minutes".

I went on a walk with my doula and husband. I started crying. I was scared. I was scared my body wouldn't be strong enough to handle the pitocin, I was scared it would hurt my baby, and I was terrified of ending up in surgery. 

Watching baby's heart rate

I came back to my room and sobbed as they started the pitocin. I felt like it was a snowball rolling down a hill.

They checked me every hour and upped the dosage each hour. I took a bath in the jucuzzi there with David. By this time I was passing out in between each contraction. I only stayed in the tub for a little bit because I didn't want to stall the labor. I felt like I was preventing my baby from coming into this side of the world somehow. Getting out of the warm water was the most horrible I felt the entire time. I was freezing cold, dripping wet, and started going through a contraction.

Mom and David supporting my back as I would push back during contractions

At some point, my mother arrived from her last minute plane ride and a friend brought her to the hospital. She said she was praying the baby would wait for her to arrive (I totally blame her ; -) )

Super Troopers Lindsay (doula) and David

They set up the birthing bar for me on the bed. The hours ran together...but I vividly remember 3 AM Saturday the 21st....

...Because I looked at the clock every contraction. I was at 9 centimeters at this point, and I know she was posterior because I had severe back labor. Around 3:45am, I wanted to push. I expected the professionals to tell me it's not time...but my nurse told me to try and see if it's a relief or if it hurts because it might help the last centimeter. I don't know if it felt like a relief or not. I just knew I needed to try to get my baby out. 

My vocalizing at this point was much more like grunts than voice. The contractions were very strong, and I was EXHAUSTED. I felt like a failure but I was so close! I didn't feel well supported by the staff. There wasn't good communication, and I hardly saw any doctors.

I would stand up and squat with contractions on the birthing bar. They checked my progress about every 40 minutes and didn't have any change.  The last two times they checked me, they tried to manually stretch the last centimeter over the baby's head. 

My labor team was all pretty exhausted and I am ever thankful for our friend and mentor, Bonnie. She was with me applying counter-pressure and wiping my forehead with a cold cloth those last few hours. She saw into my complete exhaustion and told David that we needed to do something. 

At 5AM David came to my side and asked me what I wanted to do. 

With tears in my eyes, "I want to go home." I felt like maybe I could try later, or maybe that someone else deserved to have my baby more than I did.

The nurse asked me what I wanted to do, and all I could say (pretty angrily) is that I want the pitocin stopped! She stopped it and told me that it will take a little bit for my contractions to stop and said that she'll call the doctor to talk about options.

I had already internally consigned to surgery before the doctor came. I had been fighting the feeling of defeat since they started the pitocin for ten hours, and stuck at 9 centimeters...I honestly felt like I didn't deserve to keep my baby, much less experience her birth.

Above all else, I wanted to keep her safe. Surprisingly she was strong through the entire experience...but I didn't want to end up having an emergency on our hands.

The doctor came in and talked to us. He said we should get an epidural so I could get some rest and then we can check my dilation and do an internal monitor to see if the contractions are strong enough and continue pitocin. 

David held me as I fell asleep in between my contractions and until the anesthesiologist came in. He was asking me questions, but I kept falling asleep while he was trying to ensure I didn't loose feeling in my hands or paralyze me or something, I don't remember. I told David "He's talking to me...I don't care, can you answer him?"  

I slept for 2.5 hours and David went out to find the doctor to see what the plan was now. When I woke up it took me a little bit to realize I was pregnant..and I was trying to have my baby. It all felt like a dream half forgotten.

My dilation went down to 8 centimeters without the pitocin running. The doctor told me that he could do the internal monitor...but the chances of us having a vaginal birth were slim and that we would likely end up in surgery.

He left us for a minute to discuss things. Lindsay had everyone leave the room.

David stood by my side, I looked at him to ask permission to just do the c-section. Before I could speak he started bawling. I have never seen my husband cry, only mist up at sad movies. 

He sobbed. He apologized, he said he was sorry he couldn't help me and that he knew I didn't want this.

I told my husband that it was okay. I said let's go to surgery. I wanted to ensure my baby was safe. 

He went to call his parents and pray with them. 

The doctor came in and told me that he'd do a low transverse uterine incision so that a vaginal birth would be an option in the future.  Then I signed a lot of paperwork and nodded my head a lot. Not sure what about :)

Scared beyond reason and disappointed in myself

Lindsay and Bonnie left us to go into surgery at about 8:45 AM on Saturday.

resignation and exhaustion

David would be allowed to sit by me and it was up to the doctor if my mother could be there too. After consideration the doctor decided they could spare the extra space for my momma. She got some scrubs on and we took a selfie!

They took me into the OR to get prepped, it was a small room with a lot of people walking around dutifully doing their jobs on a Saturday morning.  I started crying as the staff surrounded me. People whom I had never met lifted me and placed me on the table. They strapped my arms up so I wouldn't instinctually reach down to touch my belly. They told me my husband would sit by my side and could hold my hand. They continued to prep me and I closed my eyes and let tears flow. 

David came in a sat by my head and I grasped his hand. My arms started to go numb. The doctor cut in and shouted "sunny side up!". He took out Adalynn and she started crying. At that sound I started crying all afresh. (a pediatrician had to be with us during delivery in case the meconium was in her lungs and they would take her away if she didn't cry at birth) I was so relieved!

They cut the cord and did a quick apgar test during which I strained my neck and asked them if she was okay. They said she was perfect and brought her to me for skin to skin while the doctor removed my placenta and stitched me up.

I was taken into recovery and my husband stayed with Adah. After they stabilized me, David came in with the baby. I was shivering and I didn't stop until hours later. Everything is hazy after this, I know they took out my epidural and gave me a morphine flush. I attempted to nurse (I'm not sure if I fed her)...I just remember being so out of it and saying I couldn't do it. (not to mention flat on my back because my heart rate was too low to sit up.)

I was parched and begged for water but they wouldn't allow me to have it in case I threw up. They offered me ice chips which I refused (since I was freezing) the first three times. 

Saturday was a very tough day filled with staff coming into our room every other hour. I was continuously monitored and I was stuck on the bed. It was hard to nurse her because my IV was on my hand and it was very short. When I tried to hold her it would pull. 

more swollen than when pregnant

I could write more about how difficult it was, but I had my baby. We got discharged as soon as they would allow us and I got a good amount of sleep on Tuesday afternoon (on her due date) and felt a lot better.

It took me four days to not cry from disappointment any time I thought about a c-section, it still pangs me to this day. But I know this: it was a decision I made for my baby, not for my own wants. That fact makes me more of a mother than conception or birth.

April - Cesarean Awareness Month

Share your story :)

Out with the old...

Well friends, it's that time of year. Everyone is posting their facebook "year in reviews" and getting gym memberships.

As I reflected back today, I wanted to write in my blog again (and sadly realized it's been over 15 months since I last wrote.) Seeing as nothing catastrophic happened without me writing, I will feel no guilt about it.  :)

However, I would like to make a "Hello 2015" post and be vulnerable on here like I have been in the past. 

I'm a little scared of this year. I'm going to be a mom and be fully responsible for a human being's wellbeing. That's a lot of responsibility. Don't get me wrong, I'm dead excited but there is something about the fact that makes me want to run around getting prepared because there's no way I'm good enough for my precious baby yet.

In addition to that, my husband and I after prayer and preparation have decided for me to take my leave from the professional workplace. I'm going to be a stay-at-home mom. This is frightening because it causes me to place my trust for financial health outside of my own 40 hour work week. I'm letting go of providing for myself, and it's revealing to see how much I don't trust God in everything. 

I'm am excited for this year. I get to watch my firstborn grow, learn, and develop. I get to be with her through mile markers instead of a paid caretaker. I get to put my trust in God in providing for us (as He has done time and time again).

So, with out further to do I will wrap this post up with a cliche and my own little "year in review".

Out with the old, and in with the new. 

Year of 2014

January:
-started premarital counseling

-planning a wedding stress!

February:

-Engagement party

-Moved closer to work just in time 

for a practical blizzard to hit
-Walked to work for half a week

March:

-Nested in my new place
-Practiced cooking David dinner when he
would come over after work

April:

-Finished up premarital counseling

May:-Married the man who guards
 and tends my heart 

June:
-Came back to reality from honeymoon
-Interviewed for two promotions, got one of them
-Started training and discovered I'm pregnant!

July:

-moved to my new work location

-moved to a church closer to home with
a different ministry focus

August:

-Ate pickles and hotwings 
-floated the river and got a sunburn

September:

-found out little one was in the 95% for size
and completely developing well!
 (I'm apparently good at growing babies)

October:

-Found out the little one we'd been
 calling Eli was really
Adalynn Marie. Took me 3 days
to get excited because
I just didn't expect it.

November:-Was unable to attend my friend's birth due to work :(

-Had Thanksgiving with a group of friends and their SIX KIDS

December:-Visit family in Indiana
-Put in two weeks notice at work
-Freak out about having my own baby
-Trust in God <3

Fighting shadows...

A friend posed a question "When a man is fighting for a woman's heart, who is he fighting against?"

There was a battling comment thread about who's fighting whom and which battle is whose to fight. There were at least two different answers, if not three. I ducked behind my dad's response and called that thread done.

me:     fighting the men of the past that has broken her heart 

friend:  What if the man not actually fighting the men of the past, but he's fighting the woman for her own heart? And when a man's heart is wounded from women of the past, who does the new woman get the privilege of fighting? 

dad:    the "man' is fighting his own heart, his own selfish desires, for "the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked." Then he can truly put the woman first...

After a week or so of contemplating and living through life, I'd like to propose to combine everyone's answers.

I think both men and women have had pains, hurts, and negative experiences that jade them from both future and current relationships.

In that same breath, it is we that choose to look at new people through the lens of "cheater", "abusive", "uncaring", "flaky", etc. Even if not at first, eventually something arises that makes you think of that negative experience.

It's a fight we all have. Fighting shadows of the past. It's not an easy battle and some are lost.
There's been a few times that regretfully, I've looked at my sweetheart through a shadow that's not his. There's been times I had to reassure him that I'm not the person he's been hurt by either.

This is a battle I [almost always] joyfully fight. But, like my dad said, we have to kill our selfish desires in order to serve, listen, and/or forgive.

So, whose battle is it? Whom should fight it?

Maybe it's not a question of who it belongs to...

Maybe the question is...

Will you stand along your friend and help them fight their shadows?

Will you allow someone in your life to help you fight yours?

Battles may be lost, but the war isn't over yet.

I happen to know how it ends.

It's a love story...

I've been in my first committed serious relationship for the past 5 months.

It's not all roses.

There's been roses, but some (most) of it has been meeting new people, supporting David as he works full time+ at work, encouraging him in his hopes and dreams and thoughts, and cheering him on as he plays his church softball league.

Then there are times of arguments, misunderstandings, and poor communication. We're trying to learn each other.

You see, my love story wasn't like I thought it'd be.
I didn't fall madly in love with a childhood friend that I know like the back of my hand. I haven't been by David's side for years as he's gone through confusion and heartbreak, being his faithful friend.

We knew each other for two months before we started dating. I don't regret it at all. Every relationship is different, and the beginning of this one caused me to trust in the sovereignty of God even more.

I've told people before "Well, we're just trying to get to know each other. It's understandable and expected to have this spat. We started a race before warming up."

After a rough weekend recently I've realized that analogy is COMPLETELY wrong. Yes, it gets the point across...but a relationship is not a race.

No relationship is a race.

David and I are both determined people. We started this relationship marriage-minded. A month into dating, he said he'd been thinking of a time frame for engagement and marriage. I was a little caught off guard but excited. This was a goal to meet! A goal to prepare for, let's make that time frame!

Long story short, we had pretty big blow up. The combination of misunderstanding each other and poor communication.

We came down to the realization we were so goal-orientated, we'd forgotten to focus on the person we want to run the race of life with.

And I thought:
How often do we do this with God?

How often do we think "He's too busy for me to talk to Him about the things I'm feeling and thinking." ?

How often do we get so goal/works orientated, we forget to build an actual, long lasting, understanding relationship with Him?

Sure, life can be the race, but you're not going to make it through well without God's grace.
I'd hate to break it to you, but life isn't even about running your race the best. It's about God.

He cares about every little detail of your life, and He wants to be involved.

My gift....to you

This past Sunday I attended church with one of my dear friends, Caitlin. The sermon was about using your gifts, wherever you are, for God.

So, later I blurted out "I DON'T HAVE ANY GIFTS."
"Sure you do."
"Nah, my gift is mediocrity. I'm half good at a lot of things."

Caitlin pointed out that I'm good at loving. "You love people, and that's the greatest gift of all!"

As much as we giggled about my gift of mediocrity, I do have a gift of love.

It's been challenged and reared against more times than I can count. I'm accused of being insincere, immature, needy, and flippant with the word "love".
In my experience, most people are very uncomfortable with being loved. (including myself sometimes)

To clarify, I mean it. I am so complete and happy with just my Lover, Yahweh...but I believe it needs to be shared. There are few words I hold with such reverence as "love", and it's not a naivety that causes me to vow it. I know well pain. I know well a human's ability to berate you and make you feel like trash. I know of the difficulties life presents and the complications selflessness (especially one-sided) causes.

Tonight, I blog in attempt to explain to you how and why I love. First note: the source isn't me.

Where love is a choice, I also feel it.
My most favorite moments are when I am out about in public and out of nowhere I feel God's love for someone else. A random stranger walking down the street. I feel God's love for them. It's utterly overwhelming. I can't control my smile and want to do ANYTHING for that stranger. I would give them anything, and I dare say...I would die for them.

I love easily. I remember one of my roommates tell me in response to my declaration of love "don't say that, you don't love me."
It shocked me. It was the first time I was questioned, so I took the time to search my own heart. I found I did love her, and I still do. I did't (and don't) know her completely, we actually didn't get along perfectly, and sometimes she frustrated me.

I love her, and chances are, I love you, dear reader.
I would help you if I could. I would go out of my way to serve you. I want to see you happy and healthy.

That's how I love. I let God use me. 

If you could help me be a vessel, let me know how I can love you....because I want you to feel God's love. It's so perfectly refreshing.

Facing Death

I've always been a thinker. Taking a Myer's-Briggs Test I come up as a INTJ. A scientist, mastermind, or philosopher. One that observes it's world quietly and thinks up possibility upon each outcome, a long-range thinker.

About decade ago I thought for the first time, "People spend their whole life avoiding death. The funny thing is - as soon as you take your first breath, you begin to die."

I found this extremely clever and would share this with others with a little smirk. Some found this depressing. Others thought it morbid, making them cock their heads and wonder if I'm seeing a shrink...or deciding that I should.

As dark as that thought is for a preteen to have, that statement is true. Furthermore, if you desire to truly live, you must be learn to face death.

Almost a year ago a friend of a friend passed away due to a sudden accident.

I wrote a blog in response, titled aptly "YOLO" as was the popular phrase.

A reminder that no one knows when the last grain of sand will drop through the hourglass.






Again, today I write about death and living. Instead of a reminder of the impending death, this post is about embracing death - the small personal pains we go through daily.

Let's describe living, beyond the logical "to not be dead". Even dictionary.com describes living as "thriving".  I would add "growing, learning, giving, and loving" to the mix.

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, MD defines,

"the act of love - extending oneself...The price of [investing time/energy in someone or something] is pain...Move out or grow in any dimension and pain as well as joy will be your reward. A full life will be full of pain."

A well quoted statement from C.S. Lewis:

"To love at all is to vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin or your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

As a psychiatrist, Peck believes that at the root of all emotional illness is the attempt to avoid legitimate suffering.  We can run from it, seal our hearts off to not feel anything. Or, you can do the brave thing and face death.

Life is change. No matter how much I long for steadiness, there will always be unknowns, mistakes, and the glorious opportunity for growth.

I pray that you can look in the mirror and be willing to live, be willing to change and grow.
Because at the core of an abundant life, is a death. (John 10:10, Galatians 2:20)

Selfless Love

As followers of Christ, we're called to love. I've come to define love in three different stages, or ways. One of them is a selfless, giving love.

This action is one that humbles one's self. That considers others higher. A love that must be sustained from God. 

Ben and Rebecca Clark, Stella and Micah.

Last autumn/winter season I had the wonderful opportunity to be a live-in nanny with the Clark family. I've been meaning to write a homage to them since I left at the end of March. They have no idea I'm writing this :)

This family operates in a selfless love. If you have the chance to go to the small group that they host in Lindale, see Benjamin Clark in concert, or bump into this joyful family at the Vineyard Church in Tyler....I guarantee your life will be blessed.

Here's a bit about each of the family members.

Ben: 

The husband and father of this family is a singer/songwriter. He has such a heart to love Jesus and love the church. He has a serving heart and leads his family in this, joyfully and thankfully. The link to his website is above, or you can like his page on facebook and get updates on his music ministry. Ben ended up being a big brother to me. He teased me about boys and helped me with my car....and maybe sometimes purposefully pushed my buttons with my pet peeves. He set a great standard in loving his wife even after 8 years of marriage.

Rebecca: 

She is not only the wife and mother, but also works professionally as a physical therapist. She is so so kind, with such a loving and gentle heart. Even as I write this, I tear up missing my "roommie." Rebecca is a very quiet and reserved person when you first meet her. Once she jokingly credited her husband's outgoing personality for being the only reason she knows people at church. That being said, you may not know her very well...but if you ever get the chance to get in her inner circle, do not take it for granted. She is a lovely lady that strives for every action and word to show Christ's love and have an eternal impact. Rebecca is exceedingly patient with even her pre-schooler son, even when she was exhausted. The love she showed with his tantrums challenged me. She is flexible and understanding. Joyful and delightful.  

Micah: 

He will be four soon. Micah is one of the smartest little boys I've gotten the opportunity to care for. He is so loving, almost always wanting to be in physical contact with you. Diffusing his cries were simple with some tender hugs. Stretching his brain was harder since he could memorize beats, lyrics, phone numbers, and addresses simply. I miss dancing with him in the morning and taking walks with him as we talk about strangers, being friendly, and safety. 

Stella: 

Stella Rose is not yet one. Avery determined infant, as soon as she was crawling...she would pull herself up to stand on things. She started walking before I left...I was surprised at how much she grew up in the short time I was there. She is very curious and happy. Then again, all of the Clarks are very joyful. In the month I've been gone, Stella has grown up more. I can't wait to see the lady she grows into being.

It would be silly to write out the small (and sometimes VERY LARGE) acts of kindness I saw throughout the half a year I was with them...because they weren't meant to be public.

I moved in at the beginning of October and stayed 6 months with them. I was encouraged to "live my best life now" ;-). I was supported when the Lord called me away. Most importantly, I learned how to live life selflessly by watching them and taking mental notes. I saw the Clarks in the good and bad, the rough and the smooth, the heartbreak and joy. Life brings us both, it's up to you which you'll dwell on.

I hope you have people in your life that you can look up to. Additionally, my friend I pray that you are a shining example of Christ's love. It's not of your power you can love, but simply of an overflow of God's power working through your life.

blessings <3

tabitha.ariel.