Flashback - xanga

For my first post, I decided to re-post something I wrote on my xanga earlier this year.
I hope you enjoy :)

Saturday, February 05, 2011

God, help my disbelief Disbelief. I think it characterizes my life. Every time in the Bible where there was an issue, the Lord said "trust", "if you had the faith", etc etc. Luke 17:5-6  5 The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” 6 He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. I haven't even a MUSTARD SEED!! That's about the size of the tip of a pencil. (sharp tip)  I can't even count the number of great things that has either been prophecied over me, or the Lord has told me personally...and confirmed multiple times...yet, I don't believe. I know that the Lord doesn't call one out unless He believes "you can be like me, follow me." yet it hasn't taken root in my heart... In another gospel (Mark 11:22-25) 22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23 “Truly[f] I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”  I doubt, I am full of doubt. I have asked for things in prayer, and I doubt. I doubt in my heart, I doubt in my actions...and I am so scared. Yet, beyond this...my God is faithful. Despite my disbelief, despite my discouragement, despite my downcast soul, despite my disturbed spirit, despite my humanity...my God is faithful, and much bigger than any of this world. I praise Him...I praise Him in my storm, and in my sunny breeze. I praise Him in dark pit, and in my fields of flowers. May His praise be forever on my lips, may I lift my hands to Him even when I can't see through the tears in my eyes. When I am blessed, may I hold the gifts you give me with most open hands.... Psalm 43:5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?    Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God,    for I will yet praise him,    my Savior and my God.