Not Enough.

Hesitancy

I went back and forth on myself, hesitant to write about this, mostly because just yesterday I re-posted a similar topic Matter of fact, I actually had closed out my browser and went back to dilly-dally on facebook when the status popped up in that side-bar again. When I saw it, I felt that twinge in the spirit. The voice that says: “turn around”; “stay”; or “leave”. Depending on your relationship with the Lord and the season of your life it can be a “still small” voice, a resounding urge in your stomach, or a physical force that prevents you from doing something (in my experience, that is.) Praise the Lord! I know the sound of my Shepherd’s voice.

Do I always listen?

No.

But today as I was about to turn away from writing, I know that I know I am supposed to blog on this subject. Thus, I hope it blesses or provokes one of my readers.

Let me share a bit about who I am. I have a gift of good memory. I’ve never used it for studying, mostly because I don’t enjoy studying. The way this gift most manifests itself is through my life and my own history.

A smell, a place, or a specific time/date can trigger a vivid memory that can date back as far as a few years. Even if I don’t remember what I ate three days ago, if I talk about who I sat with and perhaps what I was wearing – I could soon give you what everyone at that table was eating and what it all smelled like. I call it environmental memory.

This memory sometimes plagues me. (but for advice on plaguing pasts see "pain or perspective")

Recently facebook has teamed up with my natural tendencies and has started posting conveniently on the side-bar past status updates.

Courteously titled, “A year ago today:” 

I don't deserve these good things...and I fear I'll ruin it all. Father, help me be faithful with what you've given me...August 30, 2010 at 10:54pm

I know exactly what I was referring to. I can remember the circumstance surrounding this update. I spare you the details, because what I’m going to write about is how I wasn’t faithful.

Alright, we could say I was faithful, I attempted and I didn’t quit. That facebook status was a sincere cry of my heart. I tried my hardest, yet it wasn’t enough.

I won’t ever be enough.

I’m not being a pessimist. I’m not depressed. In fact, I’m smiling as I write this. :)

Looking back a year, I see that I did indeed “ruin it all”. However I also see how the Lord was faithful with me, with my heart, despite the fact I took His dreams for me and dropped them.
I wouldn't trade it for anything, because now, now this story proclaims the glory of a loving, all-powerful, honorable God. He's a much better writer than I, and I don't want the pen.
There is no doubt whether I did anything, or it was because I said this, or went here, or did that. It's not about me, and I will always not be enough. My God lives in me, and He is more than enough. 


love.