"I'm right here..."

This is Ella Rose. She's sort of my little sister. Though, I think/hope she'll grow up to call me Aunt Taba. In this picture she is nine months old, now she is 20 months old. Ella is one of the happiest babies I know. I can already see a loving, caring heart in her actions. She is precious, unique and valuable.

This picture is from last November when my mom came and visited me with her. It was, honestly, a very stressful visit. I hadn't realized the demands of a baby in my little apartment, and my mom was trying to juggle watching her and doing her homework (I had no internet at my house). I was working full time, and wanting to hang out with my mom. It didn't really work very well. 

My mom ended up getting a hotel room for a few days before her homework deadline and I'd come and pick up the baby girl so she could do her homework. One night I was alone with Ella. I had her fed and I had just a teeny bit of formula left over. It'd be enough for a night bottle. 

I rocked her for a least a half hour, trying to get her to go to sleep. I set her in her playpen, but she didn't want to lay down. I finally (after much prayer for peace and grace and help) laid with her in my bed. She fell asleep.

At three o'clock in the morning, Ella started crying. When my mom was with me, I knew she gave her a bottle and she'd go back to sleep soon. I gave her the last few ounces from her bottle earlier. 

She dozed off.

Only to start crying again, louder. There was absolutely no formula left. "Ella baby..." I gently called her, pulling her over to hold her. "Ella, It's okay. I'm right here." 

She quieted down. Thank the Lord, because I wouldn't think she really needed another bottle. I fed her an entire jar of baby food before bed too. Besides, that would mean getting together everything, going to Walmart, 30 minutes away to get formula with a crying, tired baby. 

She started crying again. I was so very tired, so very stressed, had to wake up early to get the baby to my mom to go to work....and I had no formula, not even milk. 

I tried soothing her again "Ella, ella rose....baby girl. Shhhh. It's okay, I'm right here. You're okay..." 

I held her, rocked her, sang to her, petted her hair, brushing her face. "Shhh shh shh. Baby girl.."

I laid back down with her...."Ella, it's okay. I'm right here..."

She kept crying. 

I was crying too. I don't know what to do, "Lord, help me. Papa, sooth her. Help me help her God."

I had the thought to get her a bottle of water. With that in hand, Ella started to drift back to sleep with me holding her, fussing every now and then.

She wasn't hungry. She just needed the comfort of what she was used to turning to. 

How often do we do that to God?

Our Papa is right there, holding us, rocking us, wiping away our tears from our faces....and we cry and fuss and kick and scream for our items of comfort.

"I want a better job! I want a car! I need friends! Lord! Don't forsake me, give me what I want! I neeeeeed it."

And God, crying not of frustration or His own exhaustion...but of a broken heart for you refusing to be comforted by the Comforter. 

"Shhhh, shhh my child. I'm right here. I'm all you need my dear, precious one. You're okay. I'm right here..."

Oh He is a good God, a good Dad. He wants to bless you. But above all, He knows what you need. Be comforted by Him. He is faithful to provide. He is always there. You are His precious, unique, valuable child.

Psalm 46

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.

Take a journey with me...

I'd like to take the time tonight to write to you, my mysterious reader, about my increasing faith in my faithful God.

You see, my God is one who is faithful to provide, protect, love, endear, teach, discipline, and be true.
My God is Yahweh.
(and I am ever so hopelessly in love with Him)

Once upon a time not so long ago, and yet a entire lifetime ago when the wind blew bitterly and the scent of wet dirt was in the air, I cried out to my Lord. I asked Him for a favor (indeed, something I did not need) and I felt He promised me the favor would turn about at the next full moon.

Thus I waited patiently, joining in prayer with a sister of my heart for God to show His faithfulness. I chose not to look to at the lunar calendar to see which night the moon would show it's fullness. I simply waited, watching as circumstances become worse and worse...and behold: the night the favor was fulfilled, I looked at the calendar and saw that the date was the night of the full harvest moon.

Therefore moon after full moon, I was reminded of the Lord's faithfulness, even amongst the most dire circumstances. The moon slowly became a symbol to me.

Soon enough, it was so symbolic that I would ask to see the moon, 

just to be "proved" of His faithfulness once more. 

I would cry out again for that symbol, so that I could remember

...reaching up in vain to catch the moon.

Then it was time to grow up.

It was a gentle process, but unknown and scary as well. This is the tale I'd like to tell you tonight.

I was sitting on a hill crest, overlooking a small pond at night. My attention wasn't at the bubbling water below, however. I leaned back watching lightning in the far distance, relaxing. The light show let up and I laid back to look at the stars and the moon shining through the spots of clouds. I whispered to the Lord how much I loved Him, in awe of the beauty displayed just for me. The countless stars and the bright full moon. A night cool enough to be comfortable and the gentle breeze. Crickets singing undisturbed (and thankfully far away due to my slight phobia ;-) ). 

I heard Him very clearly tell me that He loves me.

I smiled and out of an overflow I shouted internally how beautiful everything was, perfect in that moment for us.

He said, "You are beautiful."

I blushed not doubting for a second that He meant it, not doubting that I ravished His heart with the glance of my eyes, not doubting true love. 

What do I do with this? 

So, I did what most fools in love do. I told Him I would do anything He wanted me to do. I would even jump into that pond! I would dive right in without hesitation. 

"Would you?"

"Of course! ... Well, I'd need to get flip flops. I certainly can't put my boots on while I'm sopping wet."

The next few minutes were filled with procrastination, justification and reasoning from me and simple silence from God.

I became cold on the dampening ground and decided it must be time to wander inside. I knew then, that once I got inside..my reasons would be all for naught. I could change, get a towel, and put on flip flops.

So I did.

I was bolstered, wanting to make my promise good, anticipating the encounter I was confident to have once throwing myself to the wind (figuratively) and diving into unknown waters (literally).

Enough time had passed while I was inside that the street lights had turned off. It was dark outside. Walking around the hill, halfway to the pond, I found myself pausing and wondering what hid in the shadows. I knew this land in the light, and I wandered freely oft' in the dark woods. But for some strange reason, I was deeply scared. 

I knew then what I was to encounter: fear.

I stepped into the water, and immediately my feet sunk into the slimy pond bed. My mind raced of thoughts of people seeing a freak floundering for help stuck in mud in a pond not quite a foot deep, thoughts of stubbing my toe, or thoughts of some once asleep sea...er, pond creature stirring awake as I stomped about. A clear thought untangled from the rest, a thought that reminded me: I promised to dive. 

I dove. 

Mud filled my clothes and I floated up to the top, dead-man style. Another crystal thought: I should lay in the water like I did on the hill. I flipped, dirty water sticking in my eyelashes temporally blinding me.

Once I could see, I realized how dark it had actually became.  THUMP-THUMP The clouds were no THUMP-THUMP longer spotted.  Dark clouds covered THUMP-THUMP the sky eliminating any THUMP-THUMP illumination offered THUMP-THUMP by the moon THUMP-THUMP or her daughters. THUMP-THUMP I was THUMP-THUMP alone. THUMP-THUMP No moon THUMP-THUMP to guide me THUMP-THUMP. Slimy,THUMP-THUMP hungry water THUMP-THUMP around THUMP-THUMP me. Soaked to THUMP-THUMP the bone.

And amongst the echoing sound of my ever increasing heartbeat...Ding

That crystalline thought again. "Why am I here?"

I replied out loud, attempting to calm myself, "I'm here because I love God. I trust You Lord..."

I continued louder, "I trust You because You are You. You are Yahweh, the great I am. I trust You and love You because of who You are. I need not see the moon to be reminded. I can trust you even in the darkness."

I bobbed in the water for a moment, my heart rate returning to normal. In the blissful state that I was in once before on the shore, I soaked in His presence. I returned to my home, and shared my story in trusting God with a few dear friends. The ones that would still love me if they thought I was crazy to go for a swim in the pond.

Now I share it with you. I share in hope that you will have the courage as well to trust in Yahweh....even in the pitch black darkness. I share in faith that He will use my words. I share because...this isn't my story to hoard. It's His to share.

Now, when I look to the heavens in search of a tangible sign of His faithfulness, I am told "Do you trust me?"

I reply with a deep seated smile, "I do." Words of commitment and devotion through thick and thin.

With all sincerity,

tabitha.ariel.