My birthday gift

Over a week ago I promised to write on the week surrounding my 22nd birthday. I mentioned it had been the hardest week I had in a long time, and now I finally sit down during my lunch break to write about it.

My birthday was Wednesday, October 5th. As I looked forward to my special day with anticipation, a dreadful thought arose that caused my glistening doe-eyes to turn dead with tears. "I have no one here on campus that would put effort in to celebrate my birthday." 


I pushed the thought away Monday night, but I couldn't fight the tears the following sunset.
I distracted myself for as long as I could, then I sat near the dumpster behind my housing...and I let the selfish tears flow, all the while hating how childish I was being. I'd cry, and emotionally abuse myself about how stupid, selfish, childish, ignorant, and needy I am.
My birthday came and went. I received many birthday wishes,I was blessed with the opportunity to hang out with some people, and my best friend made it back in time for the last 30 minutes of the October 5th. She busted through the front door calling my name and she found me on the back porch stifling sobs.
We hung out, drank some cider, ate some oreos and she spent the rest of the night with me.
The rest of the week was 4 of the same (every day ending in tears). Every time I'd tell myself how selfish I was being and I'd pray to God to help me get rid of this desire to be loved.

I'd tell Him, "I don't need people, Papa. I don't! I only need You...how sinful am I if you don't satisfy me? Please help me rid of this desire."
And He'd say these ridiculous things like, "I created you relational....I'm giving you this desire so you can receive a greater gift." 

And the wanting didn't leave or subside. 

This emotional frustration resulted with me lashing out at the world. I was aggravated and voiced that I hated my clothes, my room, my house, my car, the weather, and sadly, one friend that happened to saunter in the way of my tornado of hurt, tears and want.

By the grace of God, my "hated" friend wanted to resolve whatever the issue was. We talked for a few hours. I tried to explain "I don't hate you. I hate my situation. I'm alone, I have nobody and nothing."
We discussed a lot, and my friend came to the conclusion that I needed to talk to the Lord and be filled up from Him. (not a bad conclusion at all)
However, my solution came probably an hour before the end of the conversation. My friend asked "When was the last time you felt like this? What did you do?"

I can remember vividly. I was more alone then I am now. I was asking and begging the Lord to point out whatever I was doing wrong. I ended up fasting so that I could know the Lord better, be more like Him, etc.
Before I began my fast He told me "Let me love you."
How little did I realize how hard that is, how many times I need to consciously allow this to happen. Towards the end of my fast, I asked for confirmation.
"Lord, are you releasing me from this fast?"
"You released yourself when you forgave yourself."

Snapping out of my reverie, I looked at my friend pacing the concrete in front of me...."It can't be that easy."
"What did you do last time?"
"I forgave myself....but that can't be it."
My friend continued to dialogue with me...and I know it was good (because they're the sort that makes good dialogue) but I can't remember. The answer to my week of tears and condemnation was to forgive myself.

Matthew 12:28-31

²⁸ One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

   ²⁹ “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.^[e] 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’^[f] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[g] There is no commandment greater than these.”

The fact that Jesus was asked for THE most important and He gave not one, but two leads me to believe that these two commandments are close in importance.
I've heard this sermon, at least a few times. "Love your neighbor as yourself. It means you have to love yourself, etc..."

Friends, I tell you...it's true. If you are loving people but you don't love yourself you will dry up spiritually and physically from all the tears of exhaustion.

I couldn't receive love from the Lord, from the people around me, or myself until I forgave myself. I've had to make this decision more than once, it's a ongoing process. If I didn't forgive myself for having a desire to be loved, if I yell at myself for being a baby...if I'm not worth anything special on my "special day" then why would I receive any love? I won't believe it's true. I wouldn't believe people who speak life into me, I wouldn't receive gifts, I would shrug off any encouragement as fake words. I would either stop loving and pouring into others...or despise those I love because they take (but in my eyes) they don't give.
So, I forgave myself. 
It's that easy (if you consider that easy). And...I love. I love love. I love my friends. I love all the gifts the Giver gives to me. I love my God. I love the opportunities He gives me.

For my birthday this year, I received the gift of forgiveness from myself.
Because of that, I can receive the rest of the gifts God gives me...the people and the situations, my emotions, desires...all good things :)